


Wherefore Art Thou, Nico?

by ILLEGAILE



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brocedes, Comedy, Crack Fic, F/M, Implied Anthony/Keke, Implied Checo/Hulk, Implied Dan Squared, Implied Launt, Implied Relationships, Implied Simi, Implied Slash, Implied Wolffs, M/M, Romance, Romeo and Juliet AU, basically crack, craziness, implied everything, script
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 11:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4346879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILLEGAILE/pseuds/ILLEGAILE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Formula 1 People as characters in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. (It's all crack, guys)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Characters

**_Characters:_ **

 

* * *

 

 

**Nico** – The son and heir of Lord Rosberg and Lady Rosberg. Nico is young, handsome, and a little emotional. And even though he is a little crazy he’s likable because everyone is crazy. His family is at constant war with the Hamiltons but he hates violence and loves love. Nico falls in love with a Hamilton and they secretly get married. His best friends are Jenson, Kimi, and Friar Niki.

 

**Lewis** – The ~~daughter~~ son of Lord Hamilton and Lady Hamilton. A beautiful man sought after by most eligible suitors in the land of Mercedes. He is naïve and doesn’t know much about love or marriage but he falls in love with the son of Lord Rosberg, his father’s sworn enemy. He is often treated like a female aristocrat so he is only expected to marry for money. His closest friend is his nursemaid, Toto. But Toto doesn’t like Nico so he shuts him out sometimes.

 

**Friar Niki** – A Franciscan Friar who curses, all the time. He is Nico’s friend who marries him to Lewis. He’s generally kind and intelligent. And he hopes that marrying the two will _stop this fucking feud for the love of God_. He also makes ~~poison~~ potions and herbs, like for fun.

 

**Jenson** – A cousin to Prince Ron Dennis and Nico’s close friend. Jenson is witty and likes to ~~talk a lot of bullshit~~ tease Nico. He loves wordplay and sexual double entendres. He loves to fight and finds Nico’s habit of being overly emotional and exaggeration tiresome.

 

**Toto** – Lewis’ nurse who took care of and fed Lewis since he was a baby. He is a long-winded, sentimental person who loves to talk about his wife. Toto wants Lewis to marry a nice girl and settle down which is why he hates Lewis’ parents and Nico.

 

**Valterri** – A Hamilton, Lewis’ cousin on his mother’s side. He’s overly sensitive to courtesy and the lack of courtesy. When someone lacks it he becomes rather violent. He hates Rosbergs.

 

**Kendall** – A cousin of Prince Ron Dennis and a suitor of Lewis’. She has the favor of Lewis’ father so she acts like they’re already married.

 

**Kimi** – Keke’s nephew and Nico’s cousin. He normally tries to break up fights but if they really insist then Kimi doesn’t really care. They can literally go fuck themselves, whatever. ~~He wants his Seb, why? What do you mean he’s not in this story?~~

 

**Prince Ron Dennis** – The Prince of Fia, where the land of Mercedes is. He likes to keep things peaceful.

 

**Friar Stoffel** – A Franciscan Friar that Niki calls on to deliver the message to Nico that Lewis isn’t really dead except he messes up and the message never gets to Nico. ~~Sad, so much sad~~.

 

**Sebastian** – Nico’s friend who tells him about Lewis’ death. ~~HI KIMI! :DDDD~~

 

**Hulk and Checo** – Servants of the Rosbergs who hate the Hamiltons. _~~(This is for you, Emma)~~_

 

**Marcus** – Servant of the Hamiltons who provoke the Rosberg Servants.

 

**Will** – Servant of the Hamiltons who invites Nico to the ball.

 

**Dany** – The apothecary that sold poison to Nico because he needed money to pay for his fare back to Red Bull. _~~I’m coming back, Dan. :DD~~_

__

**Vivian** – A woman Nico believes he’s in love with who becomes a nun. ~~*Cries Forever*~~

 

**James Hunt** – Narrator ~~and hottest fuck alive~~.


	2. Act 1: Scene 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein We Meet Nico.

**_ACT 1_ **

* * *

 

_[James Hunt, ~~AKA hottest fuck~~ , enters]_

James: In the beautiful city of Mercedes where everything went to hell two families are pissed off at each other so they decide violence is the best way to resolve their sexual tension.

James: The citizens fight, all the fucking time, and stain their hands with each other's blood-

James: _*giggles*_

James: Bloodplay _*Winks*_

Niki: **JAMES**

James: Alright, alright. _*giggles*_

Niki: _*glares*_

James: In this city, two unlucky children commit suicide. _The fuck?_ What kind of twisted story is this?

Niki: You never read Romeo and Juliet?

James: I don’t think I want to, clearly the asshole who wrote this is a sadistic pri-

Niki: **JUST READ.**

James: Their unfortunate deaths end their parents’ feud. For the next **_two hours_**??? What the fuck? Niki, you never said we had to watch this for _two hours_!

Niki: Well, if you don’t want to fucking do it then fucking leave!

James: Maybe I will.

Niki: …

James: … Fine. Blah blah blah, we will watch the story of their doomed love and their parents anger that would not stop until their kids were dead. Great parenting. Enjoy the show.

_[James Hunt exits]_

* * *

 

**_Scene 1:_ **

****

_[Sergio and Hulk Enter]_

Sergio: Nico, I swear, we can’t let them make fun of us. We won’t take their garbage.

Hulk: No, because then we’d be garbage men.

Sergio and Hulk: _*giggles*_

_[Marcus Enters]_

Marcus: What are you guys giggling about?

Sergio: Nothing a Hamilton would understand.

Marcus: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Hulk: He said _*Shouts*_ **nothing a Hamilton would understand**.

Marcus: Are you calling us **_stupid_**?

Sergio: But I never said stupid, I just said you wouldn’t understand-

Marcus: PULL OUT YOUR SWORD AND FIGHT ME.

Sergio and Hulk: _*Looks down at their pants*_

Marcus: Your sword. Ugh. _*Facepalms*_

Hulk: Ohhh _*Pulls out sword*_

Sergio: I’ll back you up-

Hulk: Are you sure? It’s kinda dangerous.

Sergio: Are you mocking me?

Hulk: I’m not, I’m just worried about you.

Sergio and Hulk: _*Bickers like an old married couple*_

Marcus: … Guys?

 

_[Kimi Enters]_

Marcus: Oh, hi Kimi.

Sergio and Hulk: _*Stops Bickering and points at Marcus*_ HE STARTED IT.

Marcus: WHAT?!?

Kimi: Why don’t you just stop? You’re all too loud.

_[Valteri Enters]_

Valterri: Kimi? You’re fighting with these worthless servants???

Kimi: … But I haven’t even drawn my… sword? _*Tilts Head*_

Valterri: Look at me! Look at the man who is going to kill you!

Kimi: _*Looks*_ Whatever. _*Walks away*_

Valterri: _*Jumps in front of Kimi*_ FIGHT ME!

Kimi: … No.

Valterri: _*Slashes At Him*_

Kimi: _*Dodges*_

 

_[Lord Hamilton and Lady Hamilton Enters]_

Lord Hamilton: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Raikkonen, are you picking a fight with my nephew?? Rosberg scum! Give me my long sword woman!

Lady Hamilton: You? Fight? You need a crutch, darling. A crutch.

Lord Hamilton: Don’t _patronize_ me.

Kimi: I keep saying I am not fighting-

 

_[Lord Rosberg and Lady Rosberg Enter]_

Lord Rosberg: Kimi, are you fighting with these ruffians?

Kimi: I’m not fighti- Oh screw it.

Lord Rosberg: _*Looks at Wife*_ SWORD.

Lady: Rosberg: No.

Lord Rosberg: But he’s _asking_ for it! _*Points at Lord Hamilton*_

Lady Rosberg: If you want to flirt with him why do you have to do it with a sword-

Lord Rosberg: _*Blushes*_ Wh-what- I do not _flirt_ with Anthony. Stop staring at me like that, woman!

 

_[Prince Ron Dennis Enters]_

Prince Ron Dennis: _*Insert long-winded speech about how they should_ **stop fighting or so help him he will kick the lot of them out of Mercedes no out of Fia** _here*_

Kimi: *Yawns*

Prince Ron Dennis: Did you fall asleep during my speech?!?!

Kimi: Yes.

Prince Ron Dennis: Then, I’ll just have to say it again-

Lord Hamilton and Lord Rosberg: NO DON’T WE UNDERSTAND!

Lord Hamilton: I will find out who started this fight.

Lord Rosberg: No, I will.

Lord Hamilton: NO ME!

Lord Rosberg: MEEEEEEE!

Kimi: _*Points At Sergio, Hulk, and Marcus*_ They started it.

Lord Hamilton and Lord Rosberg: Awwwwww.

Sergio, Hulk, and Marcus: WHHAAAAAAT?

_[Hamiltons Exit]_

 

Lady Rosberg: Have you seen Nico?

Kimi: No.

Lady Rosberg: … Would you go find him?

Kimi: But all he does is cry about that Vivian girl.

Lord Rosberg: Can you comfort him?

Kimi: _*Groans*_

Lord Rosberg: But he locks himself up in his room all day-

Kimi: Leave him alone, he knows what he’s doing.

Lord Rosberg: But-

 

_[Nico Enters]_

Nico: _*Sigh*_

Lord Rosberg: THERE HE IS GO! _*Shoves Kimi towards Nico*_

_[Lord Rosberg and Lady Rosberg Exit]_

Kimi: …

Nico: …

Kimi: … Are you okay?

Nico: _*Long sigh*_ For sure.

Kimi: Uhhh…

Nico: Time is so slow when you’re sad, cousin.

Kimi: Why are you sad?

Nico: Because I don’t have the thing that makes time fly.

Kimi: … Fanfiction?

Nico: Well that too, but I meant love.

Kimi: Love?

Nico: Yes Love.

Kimi: … I thought you saw theflirtmeister’s update.

Nico: SHE UPDATED???

Kimi: Anyway, you are in love?

Nico: I’m out of love.

Kimi: Why?

Nico: Because the one I love does not love me _*ugly sobbing*_.

Kimi: Sounds very sad.

Nico: I can’t believe theflirtmeister updated and you didn’t tell me.

Kimi: FOCUS , Nico.

Nico: Right _*Sees Sergio and Hulk walking away holding their swords*_. What happened there?

Kimi: Oh, them? They’re going to go make out now-

Nico: … I meant with the swords- They make out?

Kimi: FOCUS.

Nico: Right, there was a fight?

Kimi: Yes.

Nico: Seriously, my father should just tell Anthony that he’s in love with him and stop this entire thing. They don’t even really properly hate each other. It’s like they’re desperate for angry sex or somethi-

Kimi: Nico.

Nico: Yes?

Kimi: …

Nico: Oh, focus. Right, are you… crying?

Kimi: What? No.

Nico: Oh cousin, don’t cry for my sadness.

Kimi: …

Nico: Yes, this is what love does. My sadness is a weight in my chest and you want to add your sadness to make mine heavier. Do not weep for me my cousin-

Kimi: I’m not crying.

Nico: You are only making me sorry for you! Stop these tears!

Kimi: Oh my God.

Nico: For sure, here’s what love is-

Kimi: Are you _drunk_?

 Nico: Love… is a wise form of madness. A sweet lozenge that you choke on. Goodbye cousin.

Kimi: THANK GOD-

Nico: Oh wait, actually can you come with me?

Kimi: Ughhhhhh.

Kimi and Nico: _*Walks*_

Nico: Ask me.

Kimi: Ask you what?

Nico: _*Pouts*_ Ask me who I’m in love with.

Kimi: Why don’t you just tell me?

Nico: I want you to ask.

Kimi: _*Sighs*_ Who are you in love with?

Nico: Oh! But it’s far too embarrassing-

Kimi: NICO-

Nico: Right! For sure, the woman I love is beautiful.

Kimi: _*Glares*_

Nico: But she’s- she’s become a _nun_.

Kimi: Sounds like something Vivian would do.

Nico: I never said it was Vivian.

Kimi: It’s not?

Nico: Oh, for sure it _is_ Vivian.

Kimi: _*Blank Stare*_

Nico: What?

Kimi: Don’t think about her.

Nico: BUT HOOOOOOW?

Kimi: Oh for the love of- find some other girl.

Nico: But they will only make me think of how beautiful SHE is. For sure, beautiful people wear masks, Kimi. Masks to hide how vile they are underneath. Vivian was beautiful for sure even under the mask that’s why she’s now a nun. Show me a girl more beautiful than Vivian and for sure I’ll forget. I know that you won’t. Goodbye, Kimi.

_[Nico Exits]_

Kimi: Well, that was the biggest fucking waste of my time.

_[Kimi Exits]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I just write crack. And Omg I had so much fun with this. XD
> 
> Nico's first FOR SURE. XD


	3. Act 1: Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein We Meet Kendall.

**Act 1**

**_Scene 2_ **

 

* * *

 

 

_[Lord Hamilton, Countess Kendall, and Will Enter]_

Lord Hamilton: _(Continuing the Conversation)_ Basically, Keke and I swore to Prince Ron Dennis that it wouldn’t happen again. Honestly, that man always stirs up a ruckus but we’re old now and it probably won’t be hard for us to stop fighting-

Countess Kendall: Can I just ask why you keep talking about Lord Rosberg? I didn’t even ask, it’s like you _care_ -

Lord Hamilton: ME? Care about KEKE? Pffft- NO. I mean, what’s there to like about Keke Rosberg? His eyes are you know too blue and uhhh his hair is too fluffy- Pfft- NO. Moving on, my son -

Countess Kendall: Oh yes, let’s talk about that. _*Flashes a Smile*_

Lord Hamilton: You mean… him, right?

Countess Kendall: Right! That.

Lord Hamilton: O..k? He’s a little old to be marrying-

Countess Kendall: But I’m almost twenty.

Lord Hamilton: No, you’re not.

Countess Kendall: Well, I’m more than half his age? Come on, that Juliet from Verona married when she was 16-

Lord Hamilton: She died.

Countess Kendall: That’s not the point.

Lord Hamilton: But I don’t want him growing up too soon-

Countess Kendall: … He’s 30.

Lord Hamilton: But we’re having a ball tonight! You can make him fall for you. If he decides he likes you I’ll let you marry him. But look at other men as well, you might realize you’re making a mistake.

Countess Kendall: _*To Will*_ Is he saying marrying his son is a mistake?

Will: _*Shrugs*_

Lord Hamilton: GO WALK AROUND MERCEDES AND TELL THEM ABOUT THE BALL. Only the people on _this list_ okay? GOOD!

Will: But Lord Hamilton, I can’t-

Lord Hamilton: OF COURSE YOU CAN GO _*Shoves Will out of the house*_

_[Lord Hamilton and Countess Kendall Exit]_

Will: _*Squints at the list*_ I CANNOT FUCKING READ! _*Angry Face*_

 

_[Kimi and Nico Enter]_

Will: Thank Fuck, tell me one of you can read!

Kimi: One of us can read.

Will: Oh good! Can you read this for me?

Kimi: Why me?

Will: You said you could read!

Kimi: But you told me to say it.

Will: So you can’t read???

Kimi: I can, but-

Will: THEN READ IT.

Nico: I’ll read it.

Will: THANK YOU *Sobs*

Nico: _*Reads A Bunch of Names*_ Hmmm, it’s a list of aristocrats and a bunch of eligible bachelors and ladies. Where are they supposed to go to?

Will: Up.

Kimi and Nico: _*Looks up*_

Will: NO! I mean, to the mansion. My master’s house.

Nico: Who’s your master, then?

Will: The rich Master Hamilton!

Nico: _*GASP*_

Will: And if you’re not a Rosberg, you should come too! _*Smiles*_ Have a nice day!

_[Will Exits]_

 

Kimi: What an idiot.

Nico: Vivian is going to be there.

Kimi: Nico… no.

Nico: But Kimiiiii.

Kimi: Only if you promise to look for some other girl to pine over.

Nico: A woman more beautiful than Viv? _*Gasps*_ Impossible. The sun itself has never seen anyone more beautiful-

Kimi: Nico, you decided she was beautiful because you’ve never seen any other woman besides her and _your mother_.

Nico: …

Kimi: Deal?

Nico: … For sure.

_[Kimi and Nico Exit]_


	4. Act 1: Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein We Meet Lewis.

**Act 1**

**_Scene 3_ **

****

* * *

 

 

_[Lady Hamilton and Nurse Toto Enter]_

Lady Hamilton: Nurse, where is my daughter?

Nurse Toto: You mean your son, right?

Lady Hamilton: I HAVE A SON???

Nurse Toto: … Lewis.

 

_[Lewis Enters]_

Lewis: What? Who’s calling me?

Nurse Toto: Your mother.

Lewis: _*Sarcastically*_ What? I have a _mother_???

Nurse Toto: _*Barely concealed laughter*_

Lady Hamilton: I think you should leave, Nurse. This is between me and my daught- son! Damn it.

Nurse Toto: Oh yeah? What’s his age?

Lady Hamilton: Oh go to hell.

Lewis: Mother.

Nurse Toto: Lady Montague, your son is 30. It’s been 28 years since he stopped breastfeeding. I know because he never breastfed from you, you made my wonderful sweet Susie do it. You and your husband were God knows where and there was an earthquake. Since then he stopped breastfeeding and learned to stand for himself. My wife, Susie, used to pick Lewis up and carry him around. She was bueatiful, she’s meant to have children. She asked Lewis once as a baby if he would like to make a girl feel like a real woman one day and Lewis actually said YES! _*Laughs*_

Lady Hamilton: Is he always like this?

Lewis: _*Sighs*_ Pretty much.

Nurse Toto: _*Starts to tell another one of Lewis’ embarrassing childhood moments*_

Lewis: Toto, stop. Just stop.

 Nurse Toto: I’m done, I’m done. You were such a cute child. I hope you marry someone who is at least close to how beautiful my wife, Susie, is.

Lady Hamilton: YES! I’M HERE TO TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE! What do you think about getting married, Lulu?

Lewis: It’s Lewis.

Lady Hamilton: Answer the question.

Lewis: I really would rather not-

Lady Hamilton: Well start thinking about it! You’re 30. It’s not so easy to find a bride at your age-

Lewis: Mother.

Lady Hamilton: Darling, I promise you the Countess Kendall wants to marry you. She will make you rish-

Lewis: You see me for the first time after 5 years and it’s to tell me you’ve arranged for me to be married?

Nurse Toto: _Ohhhhhh_. She’s pretty.

Lewis: Toto-what?

Lady Hamilton: _*Nods*_ She is a fiiiiine lady.

Lewis: Ugh. _*Facepalm*_

Lady Hamilton: Lewis, at least try. She has nothing to lose-

Nurse Toto: She has everything to gain, in fact. You’ll make her big, her stomach. Women’s stomachs go big during pregnancy-

Lady Hamilton: CAN YOU ACCEPT KENDALL’S LOVE?

Lewis: … I’ll look at her-

Lady Hamilton: YESSSSS, my only son getting married. Ohhhhh- _*Pinches his cheeks*_

 

_[Will Enters]_

Will: The party has started. _*Smiles*_

Lewis: YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW?

Lady Hamilton: Oh come now, Lew. You’ll have fun, there will be plenty of beautiful girls to swoon over you-

_[Lewis Exits]_

Lady Hamilton: I’m not done talking!

Nurse Toto: _*Barely concealed laughter*_

_[Lady Hamilton, Nurse Toto, and Will Exit]_


	5. Act 1: Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein We Meet Jenson.

**Act 1**

**_Scene 4_ **

 

* * *

****

_[Nico, Jenson, and Kimi Enter dressed as Performers carrying a drum and torches]_

Nico: Should we come up with an excuse for being here or just enter?

Kimi: But… you’re the one who wanted to come here? _*Facepalm*_

Nico: No excuse it is! Give me the torch, I don’t want to dance.

Jenson: Awww, but you _have_ to dance. _*Pouts*_

Nico: Jenson, no.

Jenson: Jenson, yes. _*Winks*_

Nico: No, for sure you are wearing dancing shoes with light soles. My soul is made of lead, it’s keeping me stuck to the ground.

Jenson: … What?

Kimi: He means Vivian.

Jenson: Ohhhhh. But you’re a lover, if you know what I mean. _*Winks*_ Take Cupid’s wings and fly!

Kimi: Why- why do you keep winking? _*Tilts Head*_

Nico: His arrow has pierced me too deeply for me to fly. For sure, I sink under the heavy weight of lo-

Kimi: Oh my God _*Groans*_

Jenson: Well that’s not right, you can’t drag down something as tender as love.

Nico: Is love really even tender? It’s very rude to me. _*Pouts*_

Jenson: You know what they say… If love plays rough with you, play rough with love. _*Wink wink wink*_

Kimi: Are you suggesting he should have sex with you? _What?_

Jenson: Would you like to watch?

Kimi: _*Glares*_

Nico: _*Rolls Eyes*_ Whatever, let’s just go in. I’ll hold the torch, you both dance.

Kimi: WHAT? I NEVER AGREED TO THIS-

Jenson: WOOOO! Kimi! Let’s dance!

Kimi: … I am not grinding with you.

Jenson: But that’s the fun part. *Pouts*

Kimi: I’m not gay.

Jenson: Oh, then maybe I should tell that to Seb-

Kimi: NO!

Jenson: _*Grins*_

Kimi: … if you try to touch me I will kick you. 

Jenson: YAY! _*Smiley Face*_

_[Nico, Kimi, and Jenson start dancing]_


	6. Act 1: Scene 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Brocedes Make Out.

**Act 1**

**_Scene 5_ **

 

* * *

 

 

_[Will and Servingmen Enter]_

Will: Where the hell is Roberto? Why isn’t he scrubbing plates with us? _*Angry Face*_

Servingman 1: Weeelllll-

Will: Don’t tell me he’s seduced some young heiress again.

Servingman 2: Ok, we won’t tell you.

Will: He did WHAT?!?!?!

Servingman 1: Hey, we’re just trying to live through tonight.

Will: I’ll get him, keep cleaning. And pray to God that we survive.

_[Will and Servingmen Exit]_

 

_[Lord Hamilton, Lady Hamilton, Valterri, and Lewis meet with the Guests]_

Lord Hamilton: Welcome every one, my I say when I was a young man I could wear a mask and charm any lady and man-

Lewis: _*COUGH*_ Keke Rosberg.

Guests: _*Laughter*_

Lord Hamilton: _*Blushes*_ Anywayyyy, uh. Let’s party! More food! More wine! Move some tables! Let’s shake a tail feather!

Lady Hamilton: _*Giggles*_

Lewis: _*Sarcastically*_ Shake a tail feather?

Lord Hamilton: Come now, how long has it been since we last did this Valterri?

Valterri: 30 years.

Lord Hamilton: 30 Years! Good Lord we’re old.

Valterri: Speak for yourself.

Lord Hamilton: I can still shake it.

Lewis: No.

Lord Hamilton: I CAN!

Lady Hamilton: Honey, you really can’t-

 

Nico: **(To Will)** Who is that man over there? _*Points at Lewis*_

Will: _*Shrugs*_ I dunno.

Nico: Oh, he shows the torches to burn bright. His beauty is too good for this world, he’s too beautiful to die and be buried. He outshines everyone in this ballroom like a dove in the midst of crows. I shall like to hold his hand with my rough and ugly one. Did my heart love til now? My eyes were liars, then, because I have never seen true beauty before tonig-

Will: Uhhh. Can I leave now?

 

Valterri: _*Sniffs*_ That smell. _*Hears Nico Talking*_ That voice, IT’S A ROSBERG! DIE DIE DIE! _*Pulls out sword and points it at Nico*_

Nico: WOAH, someone’s got anger management issues.

Will: _*Nods*_

Valterri: My only issue is that you’re not already dead ROSBERG SCUM-

Lord Hamilton: What’s happening? Why are you so angry, Val? Hi Nico! _*Smiles and Waves*_ You’re looking more like your dad these days. So handsome. _*Nods Approvingly*_

Nico: Uhhh… hi. _*Waves Back Awkwardly*_

Valterri: But-but-but Rosberg kill?

Lord Hamilton: Nonsense, it’s just Nico.

Valterri: But he’s a villain.

Lord Hamilton: Leave him alone, calm down. He’s harmless. Just ignore him.

Nico: O-kay?

Lord Hamilton: Just let him be.

Valterri: But I don’t want to. _*Glares*_

Lord Hamilton: Well you will tolerate him because I said so. I am the fucking boss, do what I fucking say _*Pouts*_

Valterri: But we’re being disrespected by that asshole.

Nico: I’m right here.

Lord Hamilton: You insolent boy. Go to your room.

Valterri: But-

Lord Hamilton: Go.

Valterri: _*Glares at Nico*_

_[Valterri Exits]_

Lord Hamilton: Sorry about that Nico, you have fun. Kay?

_[Lord Hamilton Exits]_

 

Nico: O-kay? _*Sees Lewis*_ Oooooh.

Lewis: _*Sighs*_

Nico: _*Takes Lewis’ Hand And Recites Sonnet*_

Nico: If I profane with my unworthiest hand

Nico: The holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:

Nico: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

Nico: To smooth that rough touch with tender kiss-

Lewis: … Whaaaaaaat?

Nico: If you’re offended by me touching your hand I could always make it better with a kiss.

Lewis: Oh, well. You could have just said that.

Nico: But, it wouldn’t sound as romantic.

Lewis: True.

Nico: … so?

Lewis: Oh, right. _*Recites same sonnet as Nico*_

Lewis: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

Lewis: Which mannerly devotion shows in this,

Lewis: For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,

Lewis: And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.

Nico: Uhhh, well-

Lewis: You didn’t understand any of that did you?

Nico: No.

Lewis: Holding hands is kind of like kissing.

Nico: But don’t pilgrims also have lips?

Lewis: Obviously, if they didn’t that would be strange. They pray with their lips.

Nico: I’m praying you’ll kiss me, does that count?

Lewis: You’re really cheesy.

Nico: _*Shrugs*_ I try.

Lewis: You could have just asked if you could make out with me.

Nico: Oh, okay. Will you make-

Lewis: _*Kisses Nico*_

Nico: … Wow, we should do that again.

Lewis: Yes please.

Nico: _*Kisses Lewis*_

 

_[Nurse Toto Enters]_

Nurse Toto: Lewis, your mother is asking to see- OH MY GOD YOU ARE KISSING A BOY

Lewis: _*Sighs*_ Calm down, Toto. I’m coming. _*Kisses Nico Again Because Reasons*_ I’ll be back.

 Nico: _*Blinks in Shock*_ Woah.

Nurse Toto: _*Nods*_ Basically.

Lewis: Who’s his mother?

Nurse Toto: Lady Hamilton, why?

Nico: … fuck.

 

_[Kimi Enters]_

Kimi: We’re leaving.

Nico: For sure.

Kimi: … _*Sighs*_ What did you do?

Nico: I kissed a Hamilton.

Kimi: … fuck.

Nico: I know.

Kimi: We should hurry, then.

_[Everyone but Nurse Toto and Lewis Exit]_

 

Lewis: Oh. _*Looks Around*_ He left. Shame. Who is he?

Nurse Toto: The one going out the door? That’s Kimi.

Lewis: The other one.

Nurse Toto: Oh, that’s Jenson.

Lewis: NO, the one I was making out with. The _hot_ one, Toto.

Nurse Toto: Well, I don’t know his name.

Lewis: … You could ask?

Nurse Toto: _*Groans*_ FINE. _*Leaves*_

Lewis: _*Crosses Fingers*_ Please don’t be married. Please don’t be married. I’d die if you were. Please don’t be married.

Nurse Toto: _*Returns*_ He’s Nico, son of Lord Rosberg.

Lewis: YES!

Nurse Toto: …

Lewis: … fuck.

Nurse Toto: I know.

Lewis: The only person I could love and he’s a fucking _Rosberg_.

Nurse Toto: You have the worst luck.

Lewis: Love is a monster for doing this to me. _*Facepalm*_

Nurse Toto: You’re screwed.

Lewis: … you’re not helping.

Nurse Toto: _*Barely Concealed Laughter*_

Lewis: Oh fuck you.

_[Lewis Exits]_


	7. Act 2: Scene 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Jenson acts like a weirdo.

**Act 2**  
  


Scene 1

* * *

 

Friar Niki: _*From Backstage*_ Where is James?!?!

Kimi: Don’t look at me.

Friar Niki: _*Looks at Kimi*_

Kimi: … he went out for ice cream.

Friar Niki: Oh, for God’s sakes-

 

_[Friar Niki Enters]_

Friar Niki: Now Nico’s old lustful feelings are dying and a new love is eager to take its place. Nico ached for the beautiful Vivian and said he would die for her. Now he compares her to Lewis decides she’s not worth his time because he’s an inconsistent Labrador pup in hea-

 

James: _*From Backstage*_ What’s happening? _*Hands Kimi a Magnum*_

Kimi: _*Takes the Magnum*_ You’re late.

James: … shit.

Kimi: Yeah _*Eats Magnum*_

 

Friar Niki: Both of them have fallen for each other’s good looks, like idiots. So, because of their complete stupidity, Nico now has to recite his boring speeches of love to his enemy. He has no chance, he’s completely screwed over. And Lewis is just as screwed. And like all stupid children, they believe that love gives them power and all that shit so…

Friar Niki: _*Squints At Script*_ they’re completely fucked, it’s going to be hilarious. Enjoy.

_[Friar Niki Exits]_

 

_[Nico Enters]_

Nico: Can I go away when my heart is here? I have to go back. _*Runs Back*_

_[Kimi and Jenson Enter]_

Kimi: _*Grabs Nico’s Arm*_

Jenson: And where do you think you’re going?

Nico: _*Pulls Away and Climbs A Wall*_ To My Heart!

Kimi: And how do you expect to get down?

Nico: … I don’t know. But I will get down eventually!

Jenson: Let him be, he’s probably going to chicken out and go home to sleep. He’s a good boy.

Nico: Hey! _*Pouts*_

Kimi: He’s going to hurt himself because he’s an idiot.

Nico: Ugh. _*Disappears Behind Wall*_

Jenson: I’ll conjure him back like I’m summoning a spirit! NicoooO! Idioooottt! Wankerrrrr! Give us one of your horrible speeches of love-

Nico: _*Flashes His Middle Finger Over the Wall*_

Jenson: Say one lovely word to my good friend Venus and her son Cupid. Nico? Are you there? He is not answering. The silly ape is dead but I’ll make him appear. _*Dances Around*_ OHHH NICO I SUMMON YOU BY VIVIAAAAN’S BRIGHT SMILE AND BY HER BEAUTIFUL EYES! I COMMAND YOU TO APPEAR TO US!

Strangers: _*Stare At Jenson*_

Kimi: _*Sighs*_ I don’t know you.

Jenson: Come on, Kimi. It’s not like that will make him angry. He’d be angry if I summon a sex spirit to fornicate with her. _*Makes Kissy Faces*_

Kimi: I don’t know this man, he’s mental.

Jenson: Alright, alright. Let’s go home. I’m sorry, Nico! I’m in no mood for your games tonight!

Kimi: _*Muttering*_ Fucking Finally.

_[Kimi and Jenson Exit]_


	8. Act 2: Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, the balcony scene.

**Act 2**

_Scene 2_

* * *

 

_[Nico Enters]_

Nico: They mock something they have never felt. _*Flips Hair*_ Assholes.

_[Lewis Enters Balcony]_

Nico: But wait. What is that light in the window? It is the east and fair Lewis is the sun-

Lewis: _*Yawn*_

Nico: Rise up, beautiful sun, and kill the envious moon-

Lewis: _*Does Push-Ups*_

Nico: _*Continues to Recite Poetry*_ Oh, there is my lord! There is my love-

Lewis: _*Drinks Tea*_

Nico: Look how he rests his cheek on his hand-

Lewis: _*Throws a Pebble at Him*_

Nico: Owwww. Scheiße!

Lewis: Oh my...

Nico: _*Whispers*_ He speaks, oh speak again my angel!

Lewis: _*Eye Roll*_ Oh Nico, Nico. Wherefore art thou, Nico? Forget about your dad and change your name. If not, swear you love me and I'll stop being a Hamilton-

Nico: _*Giggles*_

Lewis: It's only in name that you're my enemy. What's a Rosberg? It's not a hand or a foot or a mustache of a man. Just because a man is a Rosberg we can't hang out? RUDE. He's got to give up his name to get me.

Nico: _*Jumps out of the Bushes*_ I ACCEPT. I mean, just call me love and I will change my name. For sure, I won't be Nico anymore.

Lewis: OH MY GOD NICO, WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU COME FROM??

Nico: I would rather not. I hate my name because my name is your enemy.

Lewis: Nico, I know it's you.

Nico: Pshhh, I'm not NICO. Who is this Nico? He must be a strapping man.

Lewis: Oh yeah? Who are you then?

Nico: I'm... Pascal.

Lewis: Right. They'll kill you if they see you, you idiot.

Nico: If you just say you love me then I'll be invincible and they can't touch me. Problem solved!

Lewis: Seriously, Nico. I really don't want to see them take you.

Nico: The dark of night will hide me. If you don't love me then leave me here. If rather they killed me than live without your love.

Lewis: Who told you how to get below my bedroom????

Nico: Love showed me the way.

Lewis: ... It was Will wasn't it?

Nico: Pretty much.

Lewis: Goddamnit.

Nico: No matter. I can see your beautiful face now.

Lewis: Stop that. _*Blushes*_

Nico: Never.

Lewis: NICOOOO.

Nico: I'm making you blush.

Lewis: From embarrassment!

Nico: _*Whines*_ But I'm in love with you.

Lewis: ... Do you really?

Nico: Lew, I swear by the sacred moon-

Lewis: But the moon changes phases all the time???

Nico: What do you want me to swear by?

Lewis: Don't swear, it comes from you so I believe you-

Nico: I swear by my love-

Lewis: Stop.

Nico: I SWEAR BY YOUR WONDERFUL SELF-

Lewis: NICO STOP SWEARING.

Nico: Awwww. You'd leave me so unsatisfied.

Lewis: But what do you WAAAANT??

Nico: Let's promise each other we love each other.

Lewis: Nico, I already promised. In fact, I take it back. Here, I promise you I love you again. Happy?

Nico: You'd take it back? Why? _*Teary Eyes*_

Lewis: _*Groans*_ OH MY GOD I'm in love with an idiot. I gave it back NICO. I gave it BACCCKK-

Nurse Toto: ( _From Offstage_ ) LEWIS!

Lewis: I'll be right back, man.

_[Lewis Exits]_

 

 

Nico: _*Dazed Voice*_ Am I dreeaaaming?

 

_[Lewis Enters]_

Lewis: Three words then goodnight. For real. If you really love me tell my messenger you'll marry me. Tell her when and where we will be married. And I'll follow you. Everywhere.

Nico: REALLY??? :DDD

Lewis: God knows why.

Nico: You love me. _*Winks*_

Nurse Toto: ( _From offstage_ ) MY LORD!

Lewis: I'm comingggg. ( _To NICO_ ) Tell the messenger.

Nico: My soul depends on it.

Lewis: Lol. Ok. Goodnight.

_[Lewis Exits]_

 

 

Nico: _*Does A Happy Dance*_ I HAVE TO TELL NIKI.

_[Nico Exits]_


	9. Act 2: Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein We Meet Niki Lauda, again.

**Act 2**

_Scene 3_

* * *

 

_[Friar Niki Enters]_

Friar Niki: The morning smiles upon the grass burning away the dew-

Offstage: _*Giggling*_

Friar Niki: * _Glares*_ I must fill my basket with poisonous weeds and medicinal-

Offstage: _*Louder Giggling*_ He’s a poisonous weed himself.

Friar Niki: JAMES, FOR GOD’S SAKE-

Offstage: _*Giggling*_

Friar Niki: Ugh.

Offstage: SHHH, He’s coming.

_[Nico Enters Skipping]_

Nico: _*Sunshine and Rainbows*_

Friar Niki: Oh my God _*Facepalms*_

Nico: HI NIKI!

Friar Niki: It’s too early for that kind of attitude, Nico. _*Curses under his breath*_

Nico: Good Morning! _*Smiles Dreamily*_

Friar Niki: Why are you even awake so ear- Wait, no. This is Nico we are talking about. You haven’t slept all night haven’t you?

Nico: DING DING DING GIVE HIM A PRIZE!

Friar Niki: Oh hush, you’re giving me a migraine. Were you with that Vivian girl?

Nico: Vivian? Who’s Vivian?

Friar Niki: … That girl you like

Nico: Sorry, I don’t know a Vivian.

Friar Niki: _*Sighs*_ Where have you been?

Nico: Oh nothing, just feasting with my enemy. _*Smirks*_

Friar Niki: You better not have gotten into a fist fight you little shi-

Nico: No no, in fact I was wounded.

Friar Niki: WOUNDED??

Nico: Wounded with LOOOOVE-

Friar Niki: Right.

Nico: And you, Friar, have the sacred power to cure us both-

Friar Niki: No.

Nico: Come on, pleaaaase.

Friar Niki: Just spit it out.

Nico: I’m in love with Lewis Hamilton. _*Le Melts*_

Friar Niki: …

Nico: … What?

Friar Niki: You’re screwed.

Nico: But but but, I’m in love with him I promise.

Friar Niki: What’s the name of his dog?

Nico: He has a dog???

Friar Niki: I rest my case.

Nico: He’s agreed to marry me.

Friar Niki: Oh my gOd, he’s an idiot.

Nico: Hey _*Pouts*_ He is no such thing.

Friar Niki: He is if he wants to marry you.

Nico: I’m offended.

Friar Niki: I don’t give a fuck.

Nico: _*Begs on His Knees*_ We love each other, please marry us!

Friar Niki: Oh for god’s sake, fine. Come with me you inconsistent brat-

Nico: _*Jump Hugs Niki*_ YAY!

Friar Niki: Don’t thank me I just want your stupid family to get along I expect lots of alcohol after this shitfest is over.

_[Nico and Friar Niki Exit]_


	10. Act 2: Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Toto is so done with this shit.

**Act 2**

_Scene 4_

* * *

 

_[Kimi and Jenson Enter]_

Jenson: Where the fuck is Nico?

Kimi: How am I supposed to know? And, more importantly, _where the fuck did that question even come from?_

Jenson: I don’t know. I miss the moody little bugger.

Kimi: Not my problem.

Jenson: _*Stares at Kimi Lecherously*_

Kimi: … You know you can’t tap this.

Jenson: _*Sigh*_ Yeah yeah you have a boyfriend. _*Grumbles*_

Kimi: _*Eye Roll*_ You’re an asshole.

Jenson: I could be, for you. _*Winks*_

Kimi: Good grief, he never got home. Ask the servants.

Jenson: Who never got home?

Kimi: … Nico.

Jenson: OH YEAH WHERE IS HE?

Kimi: _*Face-palms*_ Never mind, clearly you are a dumbass and my time is wasted on you.

Jenson: And you only learned this now? I thought you were the smart one.

Kimi: _*Glares*_

Jenson: Okay okay yeesh. What happened?

Kimi: Valterri sent Keke a message.

Jenson: What did he say?

 

Kimi: _*Unrolls a scroll*_

Kimi: _*Clears throat*_

Kimi: Die, Rosberg Scum. _*Turns the Paper over*_ Die.

Kimi: _To Neko, Love Valterri. The End._

Jenson: Good God.

Kimi: I know.

Jenson: HE SPELLED NICO WRONG, the nerve.

Kimi: …

Jenson: … what?

Kimi: _*Shakes his head*_ Nothing, we should prepare for this… fight, though.

Jenson: YES, A FIGHT. _*Pulls out sword*_ We will avenge our dear friend and slay Valterri for calling him a Japanese Cat!

Kimi: Oh God-

Jenson: He will learn to fear our wrath! _(Well, you’re wrath technically because I don’t think I could scare anyone like you scare everyone.)_

Kimi: Shut up- just shut up-

 

_[Nico Enters]_

Jenson: Nico! MY MAN! You look like you could use a tumbl-

Nico: Hi Kimi.

Kimi: Hello.

Jenson _: *Gasp*_ Shot. Down. D:

Nico: Didn’t see you there, Jense.

Jenson: You gave us the slip last night. _*Wiggles Eyebrows*_

Nico: Sorry, I had something important to do. _*Snickering*_

Jenson: Oh my God you didn’t!

Nico: I did.

Jenson: REALLY???

Nico: No, of course I didn’t. I’m not stupid.

Jenson: Oh.

Nico: We’re getting married instead.

 

Jenson and Kimi: … WHAT-

Kimi: **THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING YOU DUMBASS?**

Jenson: IS A HAMILTON LIKE IN Bed- I mean

Kimi: _*Glares*_

Jenson: -how could you do this? _*Awkward Laughter*_

Kimi: This isn’t funny.

Jenson: Oh COME ON, Nico is happy and joking and being sarcastic. Now he is sociable! **HE IS NICO**! _*Jazz Hands*_

Kimi: Ugh, sociable.

Jenson: I say this is a good thing.

Kimi: Half of the things you say come from your behind and the other half comes from your stick.

Jenson: Why Kimi, are you implying I’m only good for jest?

Kimi: I don’t imply, I state facts.

Nico: Okay, knock it off.

 

_[Nurse Toto Enters with servant Will]_

Nurse Toto: Give me my fan, Will.

Jenson: Yes, give him a fan to hide his ugly face. _*Snickers*_

Kimi: _*Hits him on the head*_

Nurse Toto: _*Ignores him*_ Who here is Nico?

Kimi: _*Hides Nico*_

Nico: _*Whines*_

Jenson: Why Nico, have you hired a prostitute? He’s an ugly dame, maybe he uses the ugliness to hide his promiscuity-

Nurse Toto: _*Kicks him*_ Get out of here.

Kimi: _*Sighs and goes to fetch Jenson*_

_[Kimi and Jenson Exit]_

 

Nurse Toto: Who was that punk?

Nico: A punk who loves the sound of his own voice. What can I do for you?

Nurse Toto: That said, if you’re tricking Lewis then I will-

Nico: Castrate me? Hang me by my guts from the rafters? I will allow you to do so gladly. _*Nods*_

Nurse Toto: Oh… then you’re okay.

Nico: That’s it?

Nurse Toto: What do you want a kick too? I can arrange-

Nico: NO! I mean- you can tell him Friar Niki will allow the marriage.

Nurse Toto: … Friar Niki?

Nico: Yep.

Nurse Toto: … You’re kidding.

Nico: Nope.

Nurse Toto: Then heaven have mercy on us but I will bring him. Please, do something about his swooning.

Nico: _*Snickers*_ I intend to.

Nurse Toto: _*Groans in Agitation*_ Stupid young people with their stupid-

_[Nurse Toto and Will Exit]_

 

Nico: … I’m getting married. _*FANBOYS*_

_[Nico Exits]_


	11. Act 2: Scene 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein, Lewis is an impatient little bugger.

**Act 2**

_Scene 5_

* * *

 

 

_[Lewis Enters]_

Lewis: Oh my GOD, I sent Toto over there _forever ago_.  He’s taking so fucking long and it’s already fucking _noon_. It’s been _three fucking hours_ -

 

_[Nurse Toto and Will Enter]_

Lewis: Fucking finally-

Nurse Toto: LEWIS YOUR LANGUAGE!!!!!

Lewis: Did Nico tell you anything?

Nurse Toto: Well, I won’t be telling you unless you wash your mouth of that foul language, young man!!

Will: Ooooooooooh, burn.

Lewis: Oh go away, Will.

Will: With pleasure, my Lord.

_[Will Exits]_

 

Lewis: You look sad, Totes. Oh my God, it’s sad news isn’t it? It totally is. Do not fuck with me about this, Totes. I swear to God-

Nurse Toto: Calm the fuck down, I’m just tired. You made me walk halfway across Mercedes _to see you boyfriend_.

Lewis: Boyfriend or is it fiancée??

Nurse Toto: Sweet Jesus, you’re impatient! Can’t you see that I’m tired??

Lewis: It’s not my fault you’re old!

Nurse Toto: I’m not old. I AM OUT OF BREATH.

Lewis: Well, if you’re so out of breath then why do you have enough breath to yell at me?

Nurse Toto: Have you had lunch yet?

Lewis: DON’T CHANGE THE TOPIC.  What does he say about our marriage, you wanker?

Nurse Toto: I will tell you but you have to rub my back first.

Lewis: Ew no.

Nurse Toto: You ungrateful little brat, after all that I and my sweet Susie have done for you? After making me walk all the way to the dreaded Rosberg’s territory and then back again-

Lewis: Oh my God, I’ll do it, just shut up. *Rubs his back* What did he say?

Nurse Toto: A little to the left.

Lewis: For Christ’s sake, Toto!

Nurse Toto: _*Sigh*_ Your love says, like an honest gentleman, who is courteous, kind, handsome, and – I believe – virtuous- _where is your mother?_

Lewis: _*Glares*_ My love says like an honest gentleman **_where is my mother?_**

Nurse Toto: That will teach you to be so fucking impatient!

Lewis: Toto, I swear to God, you make such a big fuss that it is you that’s the woman in your marriage. Now, what did Nico actually say?

Nurse Toto: _*Slow Smile*_ Think you can go out to the church today?

Lewis: Well, I think so. I could ask mother but I think she will let me but wh-

Nurse Toto: _*Giggles*_

Lewis: No. Fucking. Way.

Nurse Toto: Yes fucking way.

Lewis: _*Runs Around*_ I’M GETTING MARRIED I’M GETTING MARRIED I’M GETTING MARRIED

Nurse Toto: WOAH, calm down. He’s coming through the window tonight, okay? The window. Don’t hit him. And that’s after your appointment this afternoon with Friar Niki. Do you understand me- Lewis? LEWIS!

Lewis: _*Opens Balcony Doors*_ FUCK YOU WORLD

Lewis: _*Sings*_ I’M GETTING HITCHHHED I’M GETTING HITCHEDDD!!!

Nurse Toto: Oh, fuck everything.

_[Nurse Toto and Lewis Exit]_


End file.
